Cats are everywhere. I myself have to live with five cats. You might think that with their plentiful numbers, they would have risen up to rule the planet by now. Nope, hasn’t happened, obviously. While many well renowned scholars throughout the ages have postulated multiple reasons why this has not come to be, the reasons have become painfully clear to me, after sharing living space with five furry mental morons.


1. Cats have claws, and cannot resist using them. Everything they touch, becomes shredded. They can’t even shake paws. They cannot pick up anything living, without killing it in the process. This is also why cats have no pets of their own. Pity.

2. Claws again. Cats cannot use cell phones. Can’t dial, pickup, or play an MP3. No SMS, no commo at all.

3. Cats cannot follow commands. In the heirarchy of the mighty cat army, there are no leaders, only cat bullys. This just doesn’t work, although it is an established management method in corporate America.

4. Cats sleep when their enemies are awake. This has obvious dire tactical implications.

5. Since Cats do not wear clothes, they cannot carry concealed weapons.

6. Probably the most feared weapon, of the all the weapons used by armies opposing the great cat army, is the water spray bottle. There is no known cat defense for this insane and evil weapon.

7. Cat treats induce cat amnesia. Whatever the cat is doing, say, licking itself to oblivion, one cat treat will make it forget everything in a nanosecond. This has obvious psychological implications benefiting any army using laser guided treat delivery systems.

8. Cats have a brain the size of a fingernail. Ok, I don’t really know the size of their brain, but on the cat anatomy chart at the animal hospital, it looks really flat, like a pancake. There can’t be too much in there.

9. Cooperation, among cats, is a sign of weakness. Only gay cats cooperate. But even then, it is only for short periods, until cat treats appear.

10. Cats like to sleep on dangerous machinery. Not a pretty picture, and a bad way to wake up, if only for an instant. This is a direct result of a cat’s innability to think, reason, reflect, communicate and read. Its probably because of that really flat brain.